Trauma-Faith: Breaking the Spell (continued and concluded)
The decision whereby one comes truly alive is itself never without risk. If it were, there would be nothing decisive about it. To take that risk is to risk oneself, not just such stuff as one’s money, one’s comfort, or one’s security; and to run such a risk—where the stakes are one’s very being as a “self” in the first place—requires real faith, not just comforting self-bewitchment.
Yet, as Kathleen Norris notes, that faith is nothing out of the ordinary, reserved for only the few. That is the “fascinating trait” of every real choice for life over death—every choice, as Alain Badiou puts it at one point in his recent book on the “metaphysics” of happiness (p. 37), to surmount “the tissue of mediocre satisfactions” held out to us all by our rampantly consumerist society as its vision of what constitutes a happy life. It is a choice to risk real life, and the real happiness that goes with such life, and only with it.
Norris and Badiou are at one in insisting that the opportunity, the opening, to make such a choice is nothing that comes only in rare or unusual moments, and only to a select few. It is, rather, an opportunity, an opening, that can suddenly present itself, as Badiou writes, “in every episode of life, no matter how trivial or minor it may be.” Even the most everyday of occurrences can suddenly break the spell that binds us, calling upon us to display real faith by choosing to begin really living our lives, rather than just passively undergoing them, just going on outliving ourselves day after day to the grave.
Once we are truly given a real choice, everything depends on us, and whether we have the faith to go ahead and choose.
What is more, such simple faith, the faith that permits choosing actually to live one’s own life rather than just trying to survive it, can never be claimed as some sort of permanent acquisition. It is not some piece of privately owned property that, once acquired, can be disposed of as one sees fit. The decision to live, however everyday it may be, is a decision whereby one accepts martyrdom for one’s faith—from the Greek term martyr, to witness—which need have nothing flashy or Hollywood-heroic about it. As Norris helps us see, such genuine martyrdom can be as quiet and unpretentious as the small daily sacrifices, fully embraced, that parents continually make for their children.
Nor, short of death itself, is such witnessing ever over and done with. It is always there in front of us, needing to be demonstrated ever again anew. It demands constant, ongoing reaffirmation—exactly what Kierkegaard called “repetition.” Exchanging truly understood and meant wedding vows in some formal setting, to use one of Kierkegaard’s own best examples, does not let spouses off the hook of then having to honor those vows, to keep them and the love they sacramentally express alive in their daily life together—forever repeating their vows and the love the bestowing of those vows effectively signifies, “till death do us part.”
Nor is that anything peculiar to getting married. It is the same with every decision, once really taken.
The faith witnessed by any real decision to run the risk of coming truly alive is just such a faith that must be kept. The specific “content,” as it were, of the decision and faith at issue, may vary greatly, of course, from person to person and even from one day to the next.
In the same way, each day for each person, temptation to “break faith” (a tellingly accurate expression) with one’s own decision can take a new form. Whatever form the temptation to break the faith with one’s own life may take, however, each and every day one is faced again with the decision either to keep on truly living, or just to fall back into letting one’s days dribble on endlessly, one after another, till one can finally check out of the whole game altogether and just expire—like Nietzsche’s ever-contented “last man.”
Only a faith that accepts the risk of living is one that finally turns and faces trauma, rather than running from it, and then tests and proves itself by faithfully facing trauma again anew, each and every day, day after day thereafter.
That is true faith in trauma, a faith that always keeps the wound open.